Coming Home

Hi Reader, It occurred to me this week that in this spiritual work I'm fumbling my way through I'm like a student who's been given the answers to the test—but who is unwilling or unable to accept them. I'm looking for proof. I'm familiar with the idea that I don't exist, that my ego isn't the real-real, that my mind is incapable of coming home. I'm familiar with it in the sense that I've heard about it. I've read about a lot of the stuff out there: Buddhism and nonduality and Christian...

Hi Reader, For bath time, we have a little projector in the bathroom that shines some water-like patterns and green stars on the ceiling. My 19-month son used to ask me to turn it on, and would sit there in the bath, staring at it. The other night he was in the bath and I turned it on. He hardly noticed. Just kept playing with his toys. I realized I'm vulnerable to the same phenomenon. My life is filled with amazing things—or at least things that amazed me at some point—that I now take almost...

Hi Reader, Can I share something vulnerable with you? When I sit down to write this newsletter in the precious little time I have to do so, and nothing comes to mind to write about, I feel ashamed and inadequate. So I sit quietly, and listen, and eventually something comes to me. Sometimes I don't want to write it. I didn't want to write that last paragraph. I'm having trouble even looking at the words, in fact. I'm doing a lot of glancing down and to the side (grateful for my ability to...

Hi Reader, I grew up thinking I was pretty smart. Not only that, but I thought being smart was really valuable. I realize now that I know almost nothing, but the part of me that thinks I'm smart and thinks it's valuable to be smart struggles with knowing nothing. I don't really know how to be with it. It's disconcerting—it puts me out of concert. Throws me off my performance. I guess that's what "being smart" is, isn't it? A performance. I'm learning I have very little idea with what to do...

Hi Reader, I have a nearly constant conversation going with myself. The me that I hear in my head is very articulate. But whenever I start having conversations with other people, they do this irritating thing: they disagree with me. It really interrupts my articulateness. If you know me, you may see what I'm doing here. Sure, I can be articulate. But sometimes I get over-attached to my articulateness, and then it's time to poke fun at it. Let some of the air out. That's not actually what I...

Hi Reader, Here are two contradictory stories. We were visiting my parents recently and I was complaining about finances and kids and the lack of sleep that results from those things. I felt like I was telling a true story. My dad said something that cut through my bullshit: "Nothing wrong with that. Life is always hard." Also a true story. Now, one more story, bending the truth yet further. A friend mentioned a bumper sticker they'd seen which said, "Life is easy. Golf is hard." Years later,...

Hi Reader, I have encountered my folly particularly impactfully in the last few weeks. It is this: I try to approach everything in order to understand it, but the things I long for—such as this thing I call coming home—are beyond understanding. And in my discomfort and self-judgment at not being able to understand, I withdraw and avoid. A prime example of this is the way I don't maintain eye contact. There is so much information in another person's face and gaze, and I literally can't handle...

Hi Reader, The subject line of this email, "not writing to write," is one of those ambiguous phrases I'm coming to love more and more. Do I mean that writing isn't the point of my writing? Or do I mean that I'm somehow going to write more/better by not writing? The answer is "yes." (This is the most delicious kind of ambiguity.) AND, I'm also letting you know that I won't be visiting your inbox again for a while. My life has very little flex these days, so when something new comes up I need...

Hi Reader, What's a child? I mean, what's the definition of the word child? I was watching my son toddle around this morning and it occurred to me that I probably know more than him about just about everything. (The one exception being what it's like to be him.) But I thought about that in the context of him learning and getting better at things, which is basically all he does. (Actually, maybe that's another exception: he's better than me at learning.) On the one hand, that's not impressive....