Hi Reader,

I grew up thinking I was pretty smart. Not only that, but I thought being smart was really valuable.

I realize now that I know almost nothing, but the part of me that thinks I'm smart and thinks it's valuable to be smart struggles with knowing nothing. I don't really know how to be with it. It's disconcerting—it puts me out of concert. Throws me off my performance.

I guess that's what "being smart" is, isn't it? A performance. I'm learning I have very little idea with what to do with myself or life when there's no script.

So, anyway, the title of this newsletter is "listening via newsletter." I don't know how to do that, either, but I'm figuring it out. I welcome your suggestions.

Here's what I want to do, and forget to do, and am afraid to do: just practice listening, all the time. What derails me a lot of the time is thinking things like, "I think I did a pretty good job of listening right then," or, "whoops, messed that up." Instead of just going back to listening.

So, here, now: I was sitting quietly, listening for what to write next. I noticed a bug struggling in the hummingbird food. I got up to go pick it out. When I did, the kids were playing outside and my toddler asked me to throw her up in the air. I did that for her, then her brother, stopped when I got out of breath, and went in to wash the hummingbird food and sunscreen off my hands. Then I typed these sentences. No good job, no mess. Just trying to listen.