Hi Reader,

We're on vacation with my parents this week. They get to see their grandkids on trips like this a couple times a year, so obviously that's the focus of the time and conversation.

The other night we were talking about the importance of teaching the kids to follow the rules. Generally, I agree that's important. Of course, me being me, I also see some nuance here. Two anecdotes:

I'm going through this challenge with the HOA (where I'm president), where some folks have been parking their personal cars in the guest parking spaces, which is against the rules. For a long time, I didn't do anything about this. I told myself it was because I thought the rule was dumb. And maybe that's true. But it was also true that I didn't want to put in the effort to confront them, and, frankly, was afraid of the conflict that might ensue.

I overcame that fear with the help of my coach and am working through it now. I still plan to petition the membership to change the rule to something more workable. But I figured the petition would have more integrity if the rules were actually being enforced. Otherwise the conversation would go something like this:

Me: "This rule doesn't work. Let's change it."

Members: "If we change the rule, why should we expect you to enforce the new one when you haven't demonstrated you will enforce the old one?"

Me: "Oof."

Now I can at least say I'm enforcing the rule when I make the petition.

What does this say about rules in general? I don't have any super clear conclusions right now, but I think there's something here about following the rules because they're the rules, as opposed to following the rules because they're good rules. I used to think it was just wrong to not follow the rules—and maybe I was nursing some shame about not being willing/able to create a neighborhood where the parking rules were being followed. Now I see there are more considerations. I used to think following the rules was the "right thing to do." But there doesn't seem to be a right/wrong distinction in this situation. There's what people want to do, and what they will do, and the agreements they made, and their greater or lesser willingness to stand by their word they gave when they made those agreements. That doesn't seem like right/wrong so much as it does will, or intention, or conscientiousness. Or consciousness. Anyway, those are all words that are more along the lines of what this newsletter is about, because it sure isn't about following the rules.

And yet, my second anecdote remains:

One of my big remaining challenges has to do with holding my tongue. By which I mean I think I do it too much. I often restrain myself from saying things I think will upset others.

So I have an unwritten internal rule that goes something like, "don't make other people uncomfortable," or, "don't cause conflict." Something like that.

I see that this is manipulative. I'm making the conscious decision to diminish myself, or at least my self-expression, in order to get the kind of response I want from others. It would be more honest and powerful to just say what I was thinking.

Of course there's some nuance here, too. Warren Wiersby (not that I ever heard that name before looking up this reference just now) said "Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy." I don't aim to be brutal (though I'm wondering if I should cultivate my ability to be so when the situation calls for it). But if I only ever keep my mouth shut when I have something to say that might upset someone, I see why that would be hypocritical, and not very powerful.

Last week I wrote about my desire to teach. This week I'm fumbling around with some stuff I think I'm just starting to get a grasp on. I'm pretty sure it's all related to coming home, somehow. I've heard it said that teachers are learners first. But surely that, too, is more nuanced. Maybe teachers are just the ones willing to stand up and take responsibility, like I started doing with the parking situation at the HOA. Like I hope I'm doing with this newsletter.

Anyway, it's time to wrap this up for this week. Gotta get back to vacation!